Inertia

Hey Paula, thanks for encouraging me to write and hinting that no blog posts can be worrisome!


Inertia has set in. Three infusions into a new chemo, I can't really judge what the chronic side effects are. After the last infusion, I know that fatigue - crushing fatigue that does not dissipate with sleep or rest - may be an ongoing issue. Some days I think I need a little part time job to give some structure to my days, some days I nap and then sleep twelve more hours that night. It's hard to think about working on those days. Plus, the last two times I attempted to work for a living cancer shit storms unfolded and I had to back off. So, these have made me a little superstitious about trying again, and I'm not a superstitious person in general.

I don't have small children to care for, and as much I try to insinuate myself into my 18- and 20-year-olds' lives, they are not buying into it. So being an at-home-mom isn't really taking up my days this summer. The work of making the cancer yoga class happen is pretty well done. It's happening and it is primarily in the hands of the nurse supervisor and my yoga teacher. This is good, really good, but that project seems done and mostly out of my hands (aside from attending and participating, of course). I have an editorial to write for the end of September to bring a little of my jarring brand of reality to the dreaded Breast Cancer Awareness Month. There's always cooking and cleaning to do, and there's plenty of that; but come on, that doesn't complete one's need to be useful and productive as we women are well aware of. I have lots of free time to go and visit long distance friends in the northwest, but, well, I don't drive long distances myself any more, as my brain has melted enough to make my vision bad and my concentration worse.

You get the picture.

Complain, complain, whine, whine... But this is my reality and soon my friends who are teachers will go back to work, and my core peeps with whom I have a sweet little social life will go away, at least on the weekdays which is when I'm generally on my own. So... if y'all have any great ideas for a little getting-out-of-the-house cash flow... I'm ready to hear them!

Anyhow, my cancer status (the original purpose of starting this blog) is, drumroll.... UNKNOWN! I'm in that third of the three months between scans (CT for the body, MRI for the brain) that is sort of a no man's land. The initial post-scan crisis and what we do about it is done - drugs switched, another fun gamma knife, etc. - and there's only the dread anticipation of what's coming and the thready hope that the news will actually be good or even tolerable. In a lot less words (not my forte) - SCANXIETY. A break from the brain tumors would be nice, even if it's only the relief of a couple of months hiatus from thinking about it. The CT will also give us an update on the lung lesion that had grown between scans last time.

That's really all I know right now. There aren't any dramatic symptoms telling me anything but I've learned that shit can happen without symptoms. If this post seems depressing at all please know it is actually not. I'm mostly content; I'm in relatively good health; my body feels good, if not my brain; and I know that in some ways I'm very lucky.

Maybe the above is enough. In our culture of movers, shakers, and strivers, maybe what my life is whittled down to is enough. Maybe I actually have everything I need and as much as I or any of us should want. Maybe, to steal lyrics from Blind Pilot, it's just this.

Let all things be as they should
Let my heart just drift like wood
And will I break or will I bow
if I cannot let it go?

Feel that sun just hold you right
leave you burning in the night
Feel that wind lap up your soul
if you cannot let it go
If I cannot let it go.