Tuesday, September 20, 2016


I expect(ed) nothing.
I live(d) frugally in surprise.

And I found out today that I am NED! No Evidence of Disease! There are a couple of expressions in my support group for scan reports. One is "dancing with NED," and the other is "dating the STABLE boy." I like to say NRED: no radiologic evidence of disease. But today I say I'm dancing with Fred. NFRED! NO FUCKING RADIOLOGIC EVIDENCE OF DISEASE! Anywhere!

Didn't think I was ever going to catch a break!

Monday, September 19, 2016

Expect Nothing

I've been thinking about this Alice Walker poem all day, one of my favorites. I will find out tomorrow how I'm doing regarding the presence of cancer in my body and/or brain. I feel good, but assume nothing. Actually, that's a lie. This time around I'm just assuming there is bad news, which is what I'm getting used to. I have no idea what the plan would be if it is and TDM-1 is a bust for me. I try to stay in reality - so sure, I hope for the best, but I don't want to be surprised if it's the worst. I think if I could get to the neutral, having no expectations at all, then there wouldn't be a surfeit of disappointment and a good surprise would be really good. Alice Walker says this much better than I do.

Expect Nothing, by Alice Walker

Expect nothing. Live frugally
On surprise.
Become a stranger
To need of pity
Or, if compassion be freely
Given out
Take only enough
Stop short of urge to plead
Then purge away the need.

Wish for nothing larger
Than your own small heart
Or greater than a star;
Tame wild disappointment
With caress unmoved and cold
Make of it a parka
For your soul.

Discover the reason why
So tiny human midget
Exists at all
So scared unwise
But expect nothing. Live frugally
On surprise.