Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Alien invasion

This port is sort of freaking me out.  It dawns on me that I have this implant inside my body that will be there for close to a year.  I know it is a good thing to have, I know it is a better delivery device for the chemo, etc. etc.  But I suppose it will take some time to get used to it, and forget to be freaked out by it.  The site is sore, nothing horrible, but it reminds me that the double mastectomy is going to be a  much, much, much bigger and more painful deal.  So there's that too.  I just got home from having my blood drawn through the port for the first time.  For some reason I was very, very nervous.  The nurse was nice, and calm, which helped, and I'm sure she was well aware that what she was doing was No Big Deal.  I have no idea what was wrong with me.  In the end, it took a couple of minutes, was relatively without pain or discomfort, and I went on my way, relieved to have done a test drive of it before the chemo tomorrow.  The nurses also both remarked that it looks very good, in a way that gave me confidence in my surgeon.  Though, I have to confess we have been watching Grey's Anatomy lately, which is probably a really bad show for me to watch.  Surgical interns, botching things and Patrick Dempsey jumping in to fix it.  Did my surgeon do my procedure?  I have no clue, but I guess whoever did it did a really good job.  Last night on Grey's there was even an anesthesiologist who was called out for smelling like bourbon.  Too bad it is such a good show...

I am trying to be "busy," which for me means things like cleaning out the freezer, rewarding myself with a couple of Mad Men episodes, listening to an excellent Fresh Air over lunch, organizing a corner of the living room that is full of crap that needs to be packed up and disappeared.  And that is the sum total so far.  If it is not raining too hard I will run with Tim after school.  This list of things has made me very tired.  I can't for the life of me figure out if that is because of the chemo or because I am doing so little I have made myself this way.  Either way, this is an honest look at my daily life right now.  Not what I had planned, and not a pretty picture.  I had planned to be somewhat through the long transition from bookseller to ______________.  But I'm not.  I attempted to look at GRE questions for a while yesterday.  What a fucking nightmare.  Do I really want to learn all my math again?  I would rather just find work that feels like good work.  Hopefully that is what I'll be doing late in the spring or early summer.  

So there is chemo tomorrow to look forward to.  Yes, I actually look forward to this day every three weeks - something to do that feels like I'm doing something.

1 comment:

  1. So I was off of all e-mail and the web for 2 days and got mixed up on the calendar, so I thought that your next chemo was next week. How can life of a "retired person" be so crazy?

    You are now half way through your nasty chemicals! As I read what you wrote, I kept thinking of "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers".