Hi, I know I've been a little remiss here. I know the mothers really like to see something here, so I am going to attempt to fill some space with the sadly-nothing-to-report that has been my life this week. The sad fact is, this cancer thing, like sailing, or lifeguarding, or any number of examples, can be classified in the boredom-punctuated-by-terror school of activities. Honestly, mostly it is really so fucking boring...
Three weeks is a long time to wait between things happening, and those between times consist, as you know, of trying to get some excercise, making myself useful in some easy way (this week it was dealing with the remaining apples off the trees outside), reading, and watching the tube. I started Mad Men, which is actually not boring at all, but exciting! Should I ask the plastic surgeon if I can get the breasts of head secretary Joan? They are about as impressive as I've ever seen...
Jon suggested a topic if I didn't know what to write about. He said to complain about husbands! A rich, full, rife subject matter all women can appreciate. Well, even though he does annoy me with his penchant for wanting to take pictures of my bald, white, zitty head, he is actually doing quite the bang-up husband job, so I will take a pass this time.
My boredom has given me time to make some observations about having cancer, and to realize and acknowledge some strange thought processes.
1. It's amazing how many times a day it occurs to me that the people I know are living their lives. It is cliche, but I am constantly acknowledging the world going on without me, while I wait in my pajamas. Almost exactly these words float into my head at any given moment, as I remember that I have cancer and am doing my waiting, like a literal surreal chunk out of my life with solid, concrete borders. This is hard to explain and I am not doing the best job of it. I could be at soccer games, and doing normal things like other people, but it seems to require a lot of a certain kind of energy I don't have to chit chat, and be on the receiving end of concern. Jon is out public all the time answering questions about me and being on the receiving end of peoples' concern, and bless him, he is good at it. Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful to my community for caring about me. It's just that as I said way back at the beginning, I am not a person who likes attention, so this will be challenging. And it is.
2. A thought is constantly popping into my head unbidden and unwanted. It is this: He/she doesn't have cancer. Believe me, I really don't want anyone to have cancer. But I see people and it just pops in. Even at the mention of someone it pops in. The stupidity behind this thought is I actually have no fucking idea if the aquaintance I just saw at Safeway has, had, or has lost someone important to cancer. Statistically speaking, all of that is as likely as not. I feel like a terrible person having this thought, but I have it, like an involuntary reflex, all the time.
3. I feel kind of infantilized at times. Maybe it's because I'm bald, like a baby (though my two babies were never bald). I have no idea how to explain why I feel this way, which leaves me an out and something to write about at such time as I analyze it to pieces and figure out how to articulate it.
4. The most important one. I am well aware that there are far, far, far worse things than what I am going through. The 14-year-old son of an old friend died last week. My lack of sleep this week is wholly unrelated to my stupid, fucking, boring cancer.